Birthday Pigeon Competition Results

Poopy the pigeon

Here, at long last, are the results of the super exciting birthday mega amazing pigeon competition held during April and May 1998 (you can see the original entry form here). The entries obviously flooded in in their millions, but here for your viewing pleasure are a just few of the best...

The very first entry was actually anonymous, and only enlightened us to the fact that: they are nice to eat (when cooked) and are a useful sex aid. This set the tone for the whole competition, with everyone else trying to come up with increasingly pigeon-unfriendly entries... Thanks, Saul!

Secondly, I was lucky enough to receive an entry from the mysterious Leonardo, whose favourite electrical appliance is "The white pickett fence", and who thought potatoes should be renamed as "Portartaloolies". His reason for wanting to win a pigeon was: I find the pigeon fascinating. The way it's little head moves frantically from back to front as it walks on those spindly but shapely legs. The pigeons sweet song sublimely seduces me into a hypnotic state, where I proceed to imitate the mysterious call with my trouser legs rolled up to my knees. Sometimes I get so into it and out of myself, that I go and do a poo on a church. They also make great gifts for kids when frozen and coated in cheese.

Next came the even more mysterious Norbert Cheesenappy, the man who could only come up with "Wandsworth Night Plunder" as an alternative name for the humble spud, and whose favourite electric doo-dahs are "Morphy Richards & Keith Richards". His rather pathetic reason for wanting to win a pigeon was: my pillow needs restuffing.

The first of two entries from a chap called Nodrog Partlig hit the old virtual doormat soon afterwards. Paul's... I mean Nodrog's... favourite electric appliance is the "ethanol carburettor". That's the "ethanol carburettor". Pausing only to think of renaming potatoes as "cor!", he went on to say: i am a doughnut. No pigeon for Mr. Wilcock, then.

The much more sensibly-named Paul Milner, who was obviously having a bad day, was next to enter. Paul went for the mundane dishwasher, and could only think of "Chips" as a potato alternative. His reason for wanting a pigeon, however, read as follows: Oh Bollocks I didn't think I'd have to fill in one of those less than 100 words things. How really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really crap. I want a pigeon. For some reason I liked the honesty in the last statement, so maybe he should win the pigeon after all.

Another entry followed from Nodrog Partlig, who had changed his mind in the intervening two days since his previous entry, and was now rather partial to "Ptarmigan" as an electrical appliance, and thought potatoes would be better off being called "fourpence". Had he not already been disqualified on a technicality, he would have surely been disqualified for giving: ...there is simply no other flavour. Mmmmmm.... as his reason for wanting a grey flappy thing.

The lovely David Cohen, of 'sits near Andy Holten at work' fame, was next to try his hand. David has a hankering after radios, and would like nothing better than for potatoes to be renamed "potties". I like that. He also exclusively revealed that: my son likes chasing pigeons!. Sounds a bit cruel to me, David...

Last, and by all means least, came Mark Barmby, who should have immediately been disqualified for being an accountant. Anyway, Mark claimed that his favourite electric thing was "my plug in , rechargeable brain(240V 50Hz)" (hmm...), and, rather strangely, that potatoes should be re-branded as "Ollies". What a silly name. To round things off, and to ensure that every right-minded vegetarian treated his entry with the contempt it deserves, Mark said he wanted to win a pigeon because: eating it within a pie is very tasty.

So, who won? Who gets their very own ploppy poopy smelly grey bird? Well, in light of the rather worrying tendency for most of the entrants to want to cook, chase, pluck, freeze or sexually abuse the poor birds, I think I'd better award myself the pigeon, and give all the would-be pigeon winners a talking to from a friendly bird-watcher. So, Bill Oddie is on his way round to everyone's house as we speak.

Before you hit the old Back button, you might be interested in seeing the results of another part of the competition, where the entrants were given this list to choose from:

Andy Holten is...

The results were:

So, just watch it, all right?...


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Compiled by Andy Holten

© Andy Holten 1998